Grief looks different for everyone, and there is no right timeline. Our post on The Grieving Process has more on how grief actually works. What follows is about a specific piece of what happens when your dad dies.
Losing your link to the past, present, and future
When your dad dies, the loss reaches beyond just his absence. He was part of your life across time — past, present, and future. Losing that presence is a lot to process, and each part carries its own kind of grief.
Your past
Your dad may have played many different roles in your early life. He might have been a coach or a mentor. He might have been your biggest fan, or the family jokester. He may have taught you to ride a bike or shown up at your school events. He probably shaped who you became in some real way. He held stories of your childhood that only a parent holds.
When you were young, the relationship was largely one of dependence. You probably looked to him for some combination of security, protection, or provision. He was part of what held the world steady around you. Losing that link to your childhood means losing the person who watched you grow into who you are now.
Your present
By adulthood, the relationship with your dad probably looked different than it did in childhood. The shift often moved toward more mutuality with him becoming a secure touchpoint you could reach for when you needed one.
You might have called him when something went right or wrong. You might have turned to him for advice, or built new traditions with him as an adult. Whatever the shape of that adult relationship was, is what is causing that really hollow and lost feeling now.
Your future
This one is often the hardest, because most of us are carrying assumptions about the future we did not know we were carrying. A wedding, if you planned on one. A future grandchild. A life achievement you're working towards, really any milestone you thought he might be there for. Even the idea that someday you might get to take care of him the way he took care of you when you were small — that full-circle moment that many people picture without ever saying out loud. All of that possibility is gone now. And what is left is grief.
The future you grieve has more than one layer to it — grief for what he will not get to experience, and grief for the version of your own life that would have included him in it. Grieving those future losses takes time, and it often takes intention. Writing down the moments you know he will miss can help. So can talking about those future losses with a grief counselor, or with people who loved him too.
The emotions may not match up neatly
You might feel deeply sad about losing your link to your past, anxious about not having him in the present, and angry that he will not be here for the future. All of these can show up at once.
This is a simplified way to look at grief. In reality, emotions tend to overlap and compete with each other. They can hit at unpredictable times, and they can feel overwhelming. All of that is normal. At the root is often some protesting. We don't want this to be true. We don't want to accept this reality. But eventually, we do.
What can help right now
- Talk about your dad. Share the memories that make you laugh and cry.
- Do something he taught you, and let yourself feel him in the doing.
- Keep something small of his where you can see it — a photo, a shirt, whatever calls to you.
- Write down the future moments you know he will miss. Give the grief somewhere to go.
- Mark the hard dates on your calendar in advance and plan something meaningful on those days.
- Give yourself "grief passess" permission to skip invitations and events
- Volunteer or do a random act of kindness in his honor
- Help live out his unfinished dreams and it doesn't need to be exact
- Remember his advise - what dad-isms can you keep alive and pass on to others
Remember that there isn't an end to grief, in fact your future will be full of moments when missing your dad will feel sharp and everpresent. Your dad shaped you. That imprint lasts forever.
If you know someone who’s grieving, consider inviting them to learn more about Help Texts’ Grief Support or share this article with them.
Grief is hard. 💔 We can help. 🩵