Losing a friend can be one of the hardest griefs to carry, partly because so few people around you know how to hold it with you. You may have noticed people being unsure of what to say, or even saying the wrong thing. You may have gone back to work the next day because nobody offered you the option not to. Most people just don't know what to do with this kind of loss, which can make grieving a close friend really hard. Let's just start with saying: Your friend mattered, and so does your grief.
Why this type of loss is hard
Grief counselors label grieving a close friend as a form of disenfranchised grief, this happens when you experience a loss that doesn't get the same level of support or recognition that other losses do, simply because of how the relationship is categorized. Society doesn't deem friend-loss as grieve-worthy. And we need to change that, because for most people their friendships are important primary relationships in their lives.
When your grief doesn't get acknowledged it can be really hard to sit with that. For many people, it can be hard to even acknowledge that you're bereaved. You might also be holding two competing beliefs "I have the right to grieve my friend" alongside "I don't have the right to grieve as much as my friend's family is right now." If that sounds familiar, please know that you do have the right to grieve in a big way. The mismatch of beliefs comes from how the world responds, but it doesn't have to be true. Just grieve how you want to. You're allowed to grieve any relationship in the way that feels right to you.
When you didn't get a say
Most of the time, the people planning a funeral or memorial are immediate family, and it can be hard to see decisions being made that may not have aligned with who your friend was. You most likely knew your friend in ways their family didn't, so it can be hard to watch a service unfold that doesn't quite capture who they were. You're allowed to feel that loss alongside the loss of your friend. These are called secondary losses, they are mini losses that we experience along the way that can feel really hard to navigate and hold in the moment. Don't worry, we have suggestions on how to navigate this scenario below.
Best friends and distant friends grieve differently
If you lost a best friend, you may be wondering how you're going to go on living without them? Who will you reach out to when you need to talk? This loss is so immense on so many levels, especially when your best friend was woven into your daily routines. At first, your routine might feel impossible to get through, but over time your brain will start to map out these routines that don't include your friend in them (I know this sounds harsh), overtime you might start reaching out to someone new in their absence, each time you do that your brain will update- this is what grieving is - its navigating new ways of living that don't include your friend's physical presence. Of course, it is normal to resist this, because no one can replace your bestie but it's never about replacing, it's about carrying forward in a new way.
If the friendship had drifted before they died, your grief might come tangled up with something else: regret. Maybe you'd meant to call more, or assumed there would be more time to get close again. Missing them and wishing you'd shown up differently can both be true at once. That doesn't mean you cared any less. Grief just has a way of bringing complicated feelings along with it. Losses like this carry different elements of grief like sifting through feelings of guilt and regret. Grief may be felt immediately but then ebb and flow in intensity over time.
What friendship loss actually does to you
Research on friend loss backs up what you already know in your body: this kind of loss can affect your health, your daily functioning, and your identity for a long time. It can impact your sleep, your focus, and your energy and your trust in the relationships and the world around you. This is all normal and the frequency, intensity, and duration of these experiences will shift and change over time.
What can help
None of this fixes the loss. But a few things might make the weight a little easier to carry.
Name it out loud, even just to yourself. You lost someone important to you. You're allowed to grieve as deeply as you need to.
Create your own way to mark the loss. If you didn't have a say in the funeral, you can hold your own, visit a place that mattered to you both, cook their favorite meal with people who knew them, or build a playlist of songs that make you feel close to them again. Also, know that it is never too late to something like this. Rituals don't expire.
Reach toward connection when you can, even in small doses. This can be especially hard if the friend you lost was the person you'd normally turn to. If that's true for you, even one short conversation with someone who also misses them often helps.
Give guilt a place to go. If you're carrying regret or guilt about distance that crept in before they died, or what you didn’t have a chance to say or do, it might help to say it out loud to someone, or just get it down on paper. Naming it may loosen the intensity of it.
Make peace with the fact that grief lasts forever. It changes shape over time. Some days it's heavy, some days it's lighter, and there's room for sorrow and joy to sit side by side. You don't need the grief to disappear for there to be good in your life again.
FAQ
How do I talk to people who don't seem to get why I'm this affected?
You don't owe anyone a justification for your grief, but if you want to explain, it can help to be specific about what the friendship meant rather than just saying you're sad. You might try something like: "We talked almost every day for years. Losing them is like losing a part of my life I built around them."
My job doesn't offer bereavement leave for friends. Is there anything I can do?
You can still ask for what you need, whether that's a day off, a lighter workload, or just telling a manager what's going on. Some workplaces will support you even without a formal policy.
What do I do on hard days, like their birthday or the anniversary of their death?
Consider planning something small ahead of time, even just for yourself. Knowing the day is coming and having one thing set aside for it, a call, a visit, or a small ritual, can make it feel less like the day is ambushing you.
Is it okay if I'm grieving harder than some of their family members seem to be?
Yes. Grief doesn't track who's "supposed" to feel the most. People process loss differently, and your grief isn't in competition with anyone else's.
If you know someone who’s grieving, consider inviting them to learn more about Help Texts’ Grief Support or share this article with them.
Grief is hard. 💔 We can help. 🩵
Source
Liu, W. M., Forbat, L., & Anderson, K. (2019). Death of a close friend: Short and long-term impacts on physical, psychological and social well-being. PLOS ONE, 14(5), e0214838. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0214838