If someone in your family has died, the most important thing you can do at Thanksgiving is say their name. You can do that with a sentimental moment, a funny toast, or a simple acknowledgment before the meal. Any of these is better than acting as if nothing has changed.
Thanksgiving is a day for gathering with family and friends. That's why it's so noticeable when someone is missing. You might wonder whether it's okay to bring them up, or whether mentioning them will spoil the mood of the day. For most people, even a simple acknowledgment is better than nothing at all. When no one says anything, the silence is often harder to manage emotionally than hearing someone say out loud that a person we loved is no longer with us.
Every family handles grief differently. Some families will want a serious moment, and others will laugh their way through it. Some will mention the person once and move on. All of these are okay.
Three ways to bring them into the day
Sentimental
Best for: Families who are comfortable showing emotion together.
Ideas: Set a place for them at the table. Put out a few photos. Ask each person to share one memory, or include your loved one in the prayer before the meal.
What you might say: "Before we eat, we want to remember Mom. We're grateful for every Thanksgiving we had with her."
Humorous
Best for: Families who connect through laughter, or whose person loved to make everyone laugh.
Ideas: Make their signature drink and name it after them. Toast their funniest Thanksgiving moment. Or play "most likely to," where everyone finishes the sentence "Dad was most likely to ___ on Thanksgiving."
What you might say: "Here's to Uncle Ray, who never let anyone carve the turkey without his commentary."
Simple
Best for: Families who find it hard to talk about feelings, or a year when the loss is still very new.
Ideas: Say one sentence before the meal, then let the day go on.
What you might say: "We miss Grandpa today, and we honor him by showing up for each other."
One sentence is enough. You don't have to say more.
How to keep it from feeling overwhelming
- Ask ahead of time. Talk to the person closest to the loss before Thanksgiving. "I'd like to say something about Jen at dinner. Would that feel okay, or would you rather we keep it short?"
- Choose one person to lead it. That way no one is caught off guard, and no one has to wonder whether it's their place to speak.
- Do it early in the meal. Once someone has said the person's name, everyone can relax into the rest of the day.
- Mix approaches. A sentimental prayer can be followed by a funny story. Families often want both.
- Agree on what everyone can accept. Family members may want different things. One person may want a prayer while another wants to keep it light. If you can't agree, choose the simplest option, because a short acknowledgment usually works for everyone.
- Give people a way out. Let everyone know it's okay to step outside or take a break if they need one.
- Include the kids. Children may want to draw a picture for the empty chair or share a favorite memory.
- Take care of yourself too. If you're the one grieving, you don't have to host, stay all day, or take part in every tradition. It's okay to arrive late, leave early, or skip the parts that feel like too much this year.
This Thanksgiving may look different from the ones before it, and next year may look different again. Whatever you choose to do this year is enough.
Frequently asked questions
Should we set a place at the table for someone who died?
You can, if your family finds it comforting. Some families prefer photos or a memory shared during the meal instead.
What if my family doesn't want to talk about it?
A simple acknowledgment works well for families who find these conversations hard. One sentence before the meal is enough.