If you’re grieving, you don’t have to say yes or no to the whole holiday season. You only have to decide about one event at a time, and staying home, leaving early, and showing up are all good answers.
From Halloween through New Year’s, the holidays come back to back. Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa can arrive more quickly than you can emotionally handle. Each one brings invitations, traditions, and reminders that your person isn’t there.
The parts of holiday grief no one warns you about
- Their favorite holiday song comes on in the grocery store.
- A holiday card arrives addressed to both of you.
- Someone asks how you’re “holding up” for the fourth time in one evening.
- You reach for the ornament they always hung.
- The family photo has one less person in it, and everyone notices.
- You feel guilty for having a good time, and then guilty for not having one.
If any of these have happened to you, you’re not alone. These moments are a normal part of grieving through the holidays.
The holiday invitation decision tree
Use this every time an invitation comes in. You can get a different answer for each event, and you can change your answer the day of.
Before you go
- If you can, drive yourself. Having your own way home means you can leave the moment you need to.
- Tell one person what’s going on. Ask them to check on you during the event, or to help you slip out if you need to.
- Plan your answer to “How are you?” Something short works: “Some days are harder than others. Thanks for asking.”
- Give yourself a break before and after. Plan an easy morning, or an evening at home with nothing planned, around a big event.
- Decide one event at a time. Saying yes to Thanksgiving doesn’t mean you have to say yes to New Year’s.
Frequently asked questions
Is it okay to skip holiday events when you’re grieving?
Yes. Staying home is a reasonable choice, and so is going for a short time. You can decide about each event separately.
How do I leave a holiday party early without explaining?
You can leave without a round of goodbyes and send the host a short thank-you text later. Driving yourself makes this easier.
You don’t have to figure out the whole season today. You only have to decide about the next invitation.