The anniversary of a death tends to arrive before you feel ready for it. Sometimes the days or weeks leading up are harder than the day itself. Either way, having a plan can often help make this difficult day feel more manageable.
The following is not a to-do list. Think of it as a menu of low-pressure yet intentional ways to acknowledge this tender day. Take what feels right, leave the rest.
In the days or weeks leading up
It is normal to find yourself feeling anxious, easily irritated, restless, heavy, or just a little off. Often this happens subconsciously, and we may not even connect it to grief. But your body knows and remembers what is coming.
Here are a few ways to acknowledge your loved one and your grief during the days before, if any of them feel right for you:
- Bring their things out: If it feels right, you might bring out photos, clothing, or something that belonged to them and let those items sit out in your space for a while, instead of packed away.
- Carry something they taught you: Consider writing down one thing they taught you and fold it into your pocket or bag for the day.
- Wear their colors: Some people find it helps to wear their loved one's favorite color or to take a walk and photograph everything they see in that color. A small way to move through the world with them in mind.
- Write to them: If writing is something you turn to, consider writing a letter, a toast, a haiku, or some song lyrics. Nothing has to come of it; it's more about the process and the intention rather than the outcome. You can keep it private or share it with someone.
- Eat or drink their favorite things: Their favorite meal, dessert, or drink. Simple, and more meaningful than it might sound.
- Do something kind in their name: If it feels right, you might consider doing something small for a stranger like buying someone's coffee, giving your loose change away, complimenting someone randomly, or holding a door and quietly dedicate that action to them.
- Order coffee under their name: Some people find it meaningful to put a coffee order in under their person's name, just to hear it called. You might try it if you are curious how that would feel.
- Play their favorite music: Listen to their favorite genre, song, or album. You can decide how much time you devote to this. One song, one hour, or one evening, etc. You have permission to start it and turn it off whenever you'd like.
On the day itself
Have a plan, even a loose one. You do not have to follow it exactly. But having some shape to the day means you are not making decisions from scratch when your emotional capacity may already be low.
Try starting the morning off with something that acknowledges the day. Doing this can really help. Once you have done that — once you have said, in whatever way feels right, I know what today is — the rest of the day tends to feel more manageable.
- Mark the morning: Consider starting the day with something small and intentional. A candle, their favorite breakfast, a prayer, looking at photos. It doesn't need to be much.
- Let people in: If you have the energy for it, try being with people who loved them too — or who love you — doing this can help make the weight of grief feel easier to carry. And you do not have to talk about your grief the entire time…unless you want to.
- Make some room for yourself too: You might also find you need some quiet time with your own thoughts, away from others. While this feels like it contradicts the point above to be with others, it is important to remember that both are okay. There is no right ratio of company to solitude.
- Rest if you can: A nap, some quiet time. Death anniversary days can take a lot out of you. So it can be helpful to manage your pace in a way that honors resting too.
- Put yourself in the way of beauty: If you have the time and energy, consider walking through a park, being by water, noticing flowers or a particularly beautiful view. Nature asks nothing of you but gives you so much.
In the days after
People often describe the days after an anniversary as feeling hungover, foggy, or like they are coming down with something.
That is normal. Your body has been bracing for days. Plan for some extra slowness, and try not to worry too much. It usually resolves in a few days. If you can, try the following:
- If there is any flexibility in your schedule, taking an extra day off can help.
- Having comfort food already made in the fridge can help.
- Staying hydrated. Grief can be physically dehydrating.
- Being gentle with your body can help: doing some light stretching, a bath, a slow walk. This is about nurturing your body.
- Rest when you can.
While there is no right way to acknowledge a death anniversary, it is important to find the ways that work best for you. You can mark it or let it pass quietly. Be with people or be alone. Feel everything or feel nothing. All of it is allowed.
We hope this helps. 💛