When an employee experiences a loss, your first thought is probably about what to say. You want to be helpful rather than harmful, to convey compassion and care, and to let them know you are there for them. That is a lot to carry in one sentence.
The good news is that the only response most grieving employees describe as painful is silence. Everything else is a matter of degree. There are acceptable responses, better ones, and the responses grieving people themselves say helped most. You get closer to the third kind with practice.
Acceptable: what most people say
These are the standard condolences, and there is nothing wrong with them. Each one acknowledges the loss, which is more than many grieving employees receive.
- “I am deeply sorry to hear about your loss.”
- “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
- “Let me know if you need anything.”
What they have in common is that the effort sits with the grieving person. When you say you are sorry, most people respond by reassuring you that they are okay, which is rarely true. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through” is a statement rather than an invitation, so it gives them no opening to say more. And “let me know if you need anything” asks them to build a list of ways you could help and bring it to you, which few people in early grief can manage.
Better: how to provide meaningful connection and support
A better response carries the condolence without requiring an answer, and it gives the person something real, whether that is an open door or a task taken off their desk.
- “I wanted to send my condolences to you and your family.” This acknowledges the loss and asks for nothing in return.
- “I’m thinking of you today, no need to respond. I’ll check back in again soon, but I’m around this afternoon if you want to talk.” This is a check-in with an offer to hold space for their grief, and they can take it up now or days later.
- “I was saddened to hear about your father. I moved your deadlines and Priya is covering the Tuesday call, so nothing is waiting on you. I would like to hear about him when you feel like talking.” This combines connection with support. The person is looked after practically and invited to talk about their father.
In all three, the effort sits with you rather than with them. You name the loss, and you make the next step concrete, so connection and practical help arrive together instead of one without the other. That pairing is what the C.A.R.E. model of workplace bereavement support recommends, and one short message can carry it.
Preferred: what grieving people say helps most
When you talk to grieving people themselves, the same themes emerge about what actually helped. A survey of more than 1,100 employees and managers found that employees valued understanding, empathy, and availability from the people around them, while their managers focused on leave policies. Informal support was both more common and more often preferred than formal provisions.
They want to be asked rather than guessed about
Some people want work as a distraction and others need time away, so ask instead of deciding for them. Make the question answerable too, because “how are you?” has no honest short answer after a death. Try: “How are you doing today? Would it help to talk, or would you rather I take things off your plate this week?”
They want to hear the name of the person who died
Most grieving people want to talk about the person and have concluded nobody at work wants to hear it. Try: “I would love to know more about your mother. When you're ready, maybe you can share more on our break or over lunch?”
They want to stop performing
In that same survey, 44.6% said they had tried to suppress their emotions at work. If someone cries in front of you, try: “There is no need to apologize. I am okay with your tears.” Then stop talking, hold space, and listen.
Mark the first year in your calendar
Every touchpoint matters, not only the first one. Since none of us can reliably remember these dates, put them in your calendar. Add a check-in a couple of weeks after the person returns, at least 2 check-ins per quarter across the first year. Then mark bigger holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas and the first anniversary of the death, which is often one of the hardest days of the year and the one almost no colleague acknowledges.
None of this has to feel formal. Employees consistently say they want steady, ordinary connection from the people they work with rather than templates and required steps that feel cold.
What grieving people say they never want to hear
These are the responses grievers themselves report as unwelcome. Even these are recoverable, but worth retiring.
- “At least they aren't suffering.” Any sentence beginning with “at least” tells the person their loss is not as bad as it feels. It also tries to silver-line the grief experience.
- “They're in a better place now.” This assumes your beliefs are theirs and can get in the way of your employee seeking support from you.
- “Time heals all wounds” or “it gets better in time.” These put the person on a timeline they did not choose and for some people may not meet.
- “Stay strong.” This asks the person to hide what they feel, which grieving employees already spend a lot of energy doing.
- “I know exactly how you feel.” This reduces their experience to something that resembles your own experience, which may not be accurate.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
What is the best thing to say to a grieving employee?
Send your condolences and name one thing you have already handled. “I wanted to send my condolences to you and your family. I moved your Thursday deadline, so nothing is waiting on you.” Then check in again later.
Is it wrong to say “I am sorry for your loss”?
It is not wrong, and it is far better than silence. It does put the grieving person in the position of answering you, and most respond by reassuring you they are okay when they are not. “My condolences” means the same thing without asking for a reply.
Do you want help supporting your grieving employees?
Help Texts sends personalized grief support by text, tailored to the relationship, the cause of death, and the dates that matter. Texts are written by grief and mental health experts, available in 29 languages, and delivered across a full year. We even have support for managers who are supporting grieving employees.
Schedule a time to connect with our team to learn more.