What should you do when a loved one dies?
When someone you love dies, time stops making sense. Minutes can feel like hours, and whole days can disappear. Weeks can pass in what feels like one long blur. Many people say they cannot remember much of the early weeks after a loss. If that is you, nothing is wrong with you. That is just what grief does, and it can make it hard to understand what to do right after a loss.
Right now, you do not need a plan. You don't need to be productive, even if you're feeling pressure to do so. You don't even need to know what comes next. Here are a few gentle things that may help, in no particular order and on no one's timeline but your own.
Tend to your body, even in small ways
Your body is carrying a lot. You may not feel hungry. You may not be sleeping. You might feel like a shell of yourself moving through the world.
A few small things that can help:
- Breathe. A slow breath in, a slow breath out. As many times as you need.
- Drink some water. Even a few sips.
- Eat something, even if it is toast or crackers.
- Lie down when you can. Sleep when you can. Mini naps can be lifesaving.
- Step outside, even for a few minutes. A little sun, a little air. My personal favorite is lying down on the ground in the sun.
You do not need to do any of this perfectly. One small thing is enough.
Try not to be alone too much
In the early weeks and months of grief, long stretches of being alone can feel heavier than you might expect. You do not have to talk. You do not have to host anyone. But having one person nearby — a friend, a family member, a neighbor — can make a hard hour easier.
If company feels like too much, try texting a friend or family member, keeping communication and connection light and manageable — this can also help.
Let people help you
People often want to help. Most of them do not know what to say, but they want to do something. Give them something to do. Have a list out and just point to it. These are things that I could use help with.
- Bring food over
- Walk the dog this week
- Sit with me while I make some phone calls
- Pick up the kids from school
- Get me outside for some fresh air
Specific asks are easier to fulfill than open-ended ones. And no, you are not a burden for asking. You are letting people love you in actionable ways that make your life easier right now.
If there is someone you trust to keep track of things for you — appointments, paperwork, who has called — let them. Grief brain is real, and a second pair of eyes can save you from forgetting something important.
When you are ready, here are some practical things that need tending to
Some of this may already be handled. Some may not have started yet. Both are okay. There is no right pace.
In the U.S., the things that tend to come up paperwork-wise include:
- Getting several certified copies of the death certificate (most families need 8 to 12)
- Notifying Social Security (funeral homes often do this for you)
- Sorting through a will or estate, if there is one
- Letting your loved one's employer know
- Telling banks, credit card companies, and any insurance providers (you may need to wait a while for final pay stubs, balances, etc.)
- Canceling subscriptions, utilities, or phone lines (this can wait for a long time)
You can do these one at a time. Most can wait weeks or even months. The paperwork is rarely as urgent as it feels. And it is okay — like really okay — to have a friend sit with you while you make the calls. A frustrating phone call feels half as heavy when someone is in the room with you.
Expect to feel like yourself, and not like yourself
You may feel many things in one day. You might cry one second and then laugh at a dark death-related joke the next second; this is normal. You may forget what you walked into a room to do. You may feel nothing at all and wonder if something is wrong with you. Again, all normal.
Nothing is wrong with you. This is grief. It looks different for everyone. And rarely, if ever, does it make sense.
Research on early grief has shown that bereavement can affect memory, attention, and how clearly we think. Going through the motions is normal. Falling apart is normal. Holding it all together is normal, too. So is doing all three in the same hour.
If you want to understand more about what grief is doing to you, our post on What Is Grief? walks through it gently.
It gets easier as you learn how your grief works. Not all at once, often not a timeline you're hoping for, and not without a lot of learning. But grief does eventually get easier to carry.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I ask for help when I feel overwhelmed?
Give people a specific task — bring dinner, walk the dog, sit with me while I make some calls. Specific asks are easier for people to say yes to, and easier for you to receive.
What if I cannot get out of bed?
That is okay for a little while. Drink water, eat something small, and text one person to let them know you are struggling. If days turn into weeks of not being able to get up, talking to a doctor or counselor can help.
Is it normal to forget everything during this time?
Yes. So normal. Many people say the early weeks of grief are a blur with lots of empty voids. Your memory tends to come back over time. Keeping a small notebook by your side can help in the meantime. Or voice notes if you prefer that instead.
How long do I have to handle the paperwork?
Most of it can wait. The most time-sensitive items are usually the death certificate and notifying Social Security. The rest can be done slowly, one call at a time, over weeks or months.
Is it okay that I laughed today, or felt fine for an hour?
Yes. So okay. A moment of joy is your body reminding you that you are still here. It's your body's way of letting you know that you're not completely broken and that healing can happen. Trust that joy has a place in your life, even with the heavy presence of grief and loss.
Finally
If you do not know where to turn in the early days of grief but feel like you need extra support, Help Texts sends expert-written grief guidance straight to your phone, starting the day you sign up. Visit helptexts.com to learn more.
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Sources
Hoffmann, B. M., Blair, N. P., McAuliffe, T. L., Hwang, G., Larson, E., Claesges, S. A., Webber, A., Reynolds, C. F., 3rd, & Goveas, J. S. (2024). Neuropsychological correlates of early grief in bereaved older adults. International psychogeriatrics, 36(11), 1064–1069. https://doi.org/10.1017/S1041610224000048
Help Texts Blog: What is Grief