What should you avoid while grieving?
Grief is really painful. So, it makes sense to look for ways to ease the pain and discomfort that come along with grief.
In an effort to avoid feeling this pain, we might push emotions down and try to stay busy. We might pull away from people, or we might even reach for something that takes the edge off of it.
These responses are understandable and quite normal in grief. But when these behaviors become persistent patterns, they could have the potential to make it harder for us to navigate grief over time.
Some grief researchers describe healthy grieving as an oscillation: leaning into the pain, then stepping back to restore, then returning again. The goal is not to feel everything all at once but to stay in motion and not get stuck on one side, especially early on in grief. This oscillation can be a helpful guide when trying to figure out if you're grieving adaptively or if perhaps you're noticing some of the patterns below, and a recalibration might be needed.
Here are three patterns to watch for, and one small thing to try to help with recalibrating.
Emotional Avoidance
Let me be the first to say, there is a place and a time for avoidance when we are grieving. It is a natural and normal coping mechanism for grief, and we all do it. The key difference with emotional avoidance is when the avoidance is persistent and is causing more pain in your life.
Staying constantly busy. Refusing to make time for grief. Telling yourself you are fine when you are not. These are just some of the ways we can avoid feeling grief directly, and these behaviors could be causing more harm than good, especially when it is your go-to response for grief.
In the short term, this may create a sense of relief and control, but over time, suppressed grief tends to resurface, and it can often feel more intense than it would have been had it been given the proper space to be felt when it surfaced initially.
I like to think of emotional avoidance like a shaken soda bottle. The pressure doesn't disappear because you can keep the cap on — it just builds. If you release a little at a time, it releases pressure in a slow and manageable way. However, if left sealed and continuously shaken, it can eventually leak or even burst, and all that was bottled up comes out in ways you didn't choose. This might look like snapping at someone you love, having a panic attack in public, unexpected tears at a meeting, or a complete emotional shutdown of all emotions, even the feel-good ones.
Some literature suggests that suppressing grief-related emotions is a risk factor for more complicated grief reactions like prolonged grief disorder. While other literature suggests that avoidance has its place in grief. Perhaps the best answer falls somewhere in the middle, recognizing that a complete emotional avoidance of grief is probably not the most healthy approach. So, is there a place for avoidance in grief? Yes. I think there are times when avoidance is healthy and adaptive. Should it be the only way to approach grief? No. It's about finding a balance and ways to express yourself that align with who you are.
If you are finding yourself engaging in avoidance often, try this: Set a specific, bounded time to grieve — 15 to 20 minutes every so often, put it in your calendar. During that time block, consider doing something that aligns with who you are but has a grief intention behind it: write, cry, look at photos, walk in nature, do rigorous exercise, meditate, read, or call a friend who can listen. Then close it. A time-bound ritual gives grief a safe container, so that pressure is released slowly and manageably.
Social Withdrawal, Isolation, and Loneliness
When grief is heavy, pulling back from the world can feel like the safest way to cope. Turning down invitations, avoiding places tied to memories, and letting friendships go quiet are responses that are common and, early in grief, they might even feel necessary. The problem comes when withdrawal and isolation turn into loneliness: isolation deepens loneliness, loneliness makes reaching out harder, and that's when the loneliness loop starts.
A systematic review by Vedder and colleagues (2022) found that loneliness is common in bereavement and is consistently associated with poorer mental health outcomes and is a risk factor for prolonged grief. Now, this doesn't mean you should push yourself into social events before you're ready. It means just keeping even a thin thread of connection alive, such as a call or text with someone, a short walk with a friend, or accepting invites that seem small and manageable, can become a little lifeline worth maintaining.
If you find yourself starting to withdraw and isolate, consider trying this: When you get an invitation, try saying yes. But make sure to tell the person: "I want to come, so I am saying yes, today, with the understanding that I might change my mind based on how I am feeling the day of, and if I do attend, I may need to leave early if my grief starts to overwhelm me. I hope that is ok, thank you for always thinking about me." Give yourself permission to say yes and then cancel if you need to, and likewise, give yourself the same permission to leave early if you do go. Each time you do this, you are preserving a little connection lifeline. And connection is the biggest protective factor we have in grief.
Substance Use
Alcohol and other substances can dull even the sharpest edges of grief. This is why many grieving people reach for them. If this is done from time to time, in social and supportive settings, this is probably not a big deal, but if you find yourself reaching consistently for substances, using alone, and hiding your use from others, then it is worth paying more attention to.
Substance use may not only delay your ability to emotionally process grief, but it can also affect sleep, mood, and the nervous system — all of which are already under stress in grief.
Over time, unmanaged substance use can escalate into something a bit more serious, leading to something called dual diagnosis, where you have both substance use disorder (SUD) and prolonged grief disorder. Some research has identified a link between grieving a significant loss, grief complications, and substance use. When this happens, coping with grief becomes much harder, and specialized support is often needed to work through both conditions.
If you're finding yourself craving substances, try this: When a substance craving appears, try targeting the same dopamine pathways, but do it naturally. You can engage in high-intensity movement, getting some sun, listening to music that you love, petting an animal, trying something new, or setting a small but achievable goal. If you're still struggling with cravings, please contact a doctor, therapist, substance use sponsor, or a trusted friend about what the next steps in getting help would look like.
Grief asks a lot of us. Avoiding is a natural human response to loss. But knowing when avoidance is making your grief worse versus helping you matters. If you need more support, let us know!
FAQs
Is it normal to want to avoid grief?
Yes. Grief is painful, and looking for ways to make it stop is a natural response. The problem is when you spend more time in avoidance, and you never allow yourself to process any grief.
Does staying busy count as emotional avoidance?
It can. Staying constantly busy, refusing to make time for grief, or telling yourself you are fine when you are not are all common ways of avoiding grief directly. In the short term, they create relief. Over time, suppressed grief tends to resurface — often more intensely.
Why does isolation make grief worse?
Connection is one of the most important protective factors in how people move through loss. Pulling away from people tends to deepen grief, putting us into a loneliness loop, which can make navigating grief much harder.
Can taking a break from grief be healthy?
Yes. Healthy grieving often has oscillation — leaning into the pain, then stepping back to restore, then returning. The goal is to stay in motion and not get stuck. Taking breaks is part of that. When you don't ever lean into the pain, that's where the problems start to surface.
What can I do instead of reaching for alcohol or substances?
Try redirecting toward a natural dopamine source, high-intensity movement, sunlight, music you love, petting an animal, trying something new, or setting a small achievable goal. These activate the same reward pathways naturally.