How to support someone who is grieving
You showed up here because someone you care about is grieving, and you want to help. You might be worrying about saying the wrong thing or not doing enough. That is normal and understandable because you care deeply. But grieving people will often say you do not have to be perfect — you just have to be present. And here is how.
Show up as yourself
You do not have to be someone you are not. Be honest with the grieving person in your life about the role you can play. They will appreciate the clarity. Here are a few examples of what you might say:
- "I am not great at sitting in heavy emotion, but I am going to do my best."
- "I am better at action than words. If it is okay, I will plan to help you with meals, kids, bills, etc."
- "I have a lot on my plate right now, so I am going to start with practical support, and lean in with more emotional support when I can."
- "I am with you for the long haul — through the good days and the hard ones. You can call or text me whenever, and I'll respond as soon as I can."
Letting people know how you can best support them takes pressure off both of you. You get to give what is genuine, and they know what to expect from you.
Four ways you can support them
Researchers describe support in four categories. You do not need to do all of them — pick what feels right for you.
Emotional support. Being with them. Listening without trying to fix their pain. Saying their loved one's name out loud — most grievers love hearing their loved one's name spoken. Being present with them and their grief for the long haul.
Instrumental (Practical) support. Doing the things they cannot right now. Meals. Errands. Tending to the dog. Picking up the kids. Sitting beside them while they make hard phone calls. Handling any logistical needs, like family coming into town.
Informational support. Helping them find what they need — organizing bills, account information, finding a grief group, a counselor, or a text-based program like Help Texts. You do not have to be an expert. Just share what you find, in small doses over time.
Appraisal (Affirming) support. Reminding them that what they feel is normal, that there is no timeline, that they are not "doing grief wrong." But also remind them of their strengths and that they can do hard things, and that they are supported and loved. Small phrases like "it makes sense that you feel that way" can be really helpful to hear.
What to avoid
A few things that tend not to sit well with grievers:
- "Let me know if you need anything." Most grievers don't know what they need, therefore may not ask for support. Offer something specific, like "I am at the store, I'm going to grab you some snacks to drop off."
- "They are in a better place." "God needed another angel." "It was their time," or "At least they lived a full life." Or any phrase that tries to make the loss make sense. These are rarely helpful to hear. It is ok to sit in the magnitude of this loss with them.
- Rushing them to get back to normal. There is no timeline for grief and no returning to your old self.
- Centering your own feelings about the loss. It is okay to be sad, too, but if you find yourself wanting to share your grief, then you might be doing something called grief hijacking. It is when you start to share about your loss as a way to connect. Instead, say something like "Right now I want to hear more about your experience, and at a later date, if you want to hear about how I navigated grief after my mom died, I'm happy to share."
- Going quiet because you do not know what to say. Something imperfect almost always beats silence.
Keep showing up
Most support disappears after the first few weeks. But grief is often just getting heavier at that point. The first year tends to be the hardest, and the world gets quieter just when grief starts to feel unbearable. The other hard reality is that year two can also be deeply painful for grieving people. Grief often takes longer to integrate than our society allows.
A few small actions can make a real difference:
- Send a text every few weeks. One line is enough: "Thinking of you today."
- Mark birthdays, holidays, and the anniversary of the death in your phone. Reach out a week or two before to check in and then again the day of. These dates are important.
- Keep inviting them out, even if they keep saying no. Declining is okay and expected. The invite itself tells them they are remembered.
Consistency, even in the smallest form, often matters more than big gestures.
If you want help staying consistent, you can sign up for Help Texts. You'll receive a weekly prompt that can gently nudge you to reach out, so you stay present even when life gets busy.
Take care of yourself, too
Supporting someone in grief is hard work. You may feel sad, tired, or unsure if you are doing enough. Lean on your own people. Take breaks. Rest. This is a marathon, not a sprint — you cannot support your friend or family member if you are running on empty.
They are not the same person
Grief changes people. The friend or family member you knew before this loss is not coming back to exactly who they were. Some parts of them will feel familiar. Some will be new. Their priorities may shift. Their energy may change. The things they used to love may not feel the same. They are becoming someone new, in real time. You get to meet that new version of them — slowly, with patience, and with grace. They are getting to know themselves, too, and your steady presence helps them do it.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What do I say when I do not know what to say?
"I am thinking of you" or "I do not have the right words, but I love you" lands far better than silence. Intention matters more than the right words.
What if they stop responding to my texts?
Keep sending them anyway. Grief brain is real, and replies are often too much to manage. Your message is still being seen, and it still matters. In fact, it can be helpful to let them know that no response is needed; you're just sending some light and love their way.
How often should I reach out?
A check-in every few weeks during the first year is a beautiful rhythm. More often if you are close. Less is fine if it is genuine. Even year two can be hard for people, so a text every so often can mean a lot.
What if I miss an important date?
You can still reach out. "I have been thinking about you and [NAME] — I am sorry I did not text last week" is always welcome. Late is better than never.
Want support that shows up consistently — for you and for the person you love? Help Texts sends expert-written grief guidance straight to your phone, every week. Visit helptexts.com to learn more.
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Source
Cacciatore, J., Thieleman, K., Fretts, R., & Jackson, L. B. (2021). What is good grief support? Exploring the actors and actions in social support after traumatic grief. *PLOS ONE*, 16(5), e0252324.