How to Support a Grieving Friend Over Text: Use the C.A.R.E. Formula
When someone you love is grieving, it can feel impossible to know what to say. You don't want to say the wrong thing. You don't want to upset them. So you say nothing… or you wait too long… or you send something that doesn't quite feel right.
But here is what I have learned, both as a thanatologist and as someone who grieves. You don't need perfect words. You just need to show up with care and intention.
A simple, thoughtful text message can go a long way in making someone feel less alone. And yes, it's okay if it's short. It's okay if you don't have answers. What matters most is that you took the time to reach out.
To make this easier, I created a simple formula that can help you write a meaningful message to someone who is grieving. I like to call it texting with C.A.R.E. When you CARE enough to text, this can turn a simple text into a true source of support.
The C.A.R.E. Formula for Grief Support Texts
C = Connect
Start with their name, or even an endearing nickname. Let them know they are on your mind. A short line like “Hey Jen, I’ve been thinking of you today” can be powerful.
A = Acknowledge
Grief doesn't need to be fixed. It needs to be witnessed. You can reflect what they might be feeling without rushing them through it. Try:
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"Just doing a grief check. What's been coming up for you lately?"
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"Grief is hard and long-lasting, how are you managing today?"
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"This week is tough, just wanted to reach out to you friend, and send you some love."
R = Remind
Let them know they are not alone. You don't need to offer solutions. Just stay with them. Try:
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“I am here for whatever kind of day you are having.”
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“You don't have to go through this by yourself. I am one call/text away.”
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“You don't need to write back. Just sending love your way.”
E = Extend
Offer something gentle and supportive. This could be a memory, a small act of care, or a way to stay connected. Try:
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“If it ever feels right, I would love to hear a story about your dad.”
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“I lit a candle this morning and held Mohammad in my thoughts.”
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“Would it be helpful if I dropped off a meal later this week?”
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"I'm fully committed to spending the day in our pjs, crying and watching sad movies together if that is what you need."
Examples of C.A.R.E. in Action
Here are a few full-text examples based on the C.A.R.E. formula. You can copy them or make them your own.
Example 1: The first birthday without someone
Hi, Jamie. I know today is your mom’s birthday, and I imagine it feels really tender. You are not alone in remembering her today. If you feel like sharing something about her, I would love to listen.
Example 2: Ongoing support months later
Hey, Alex. I just wanted you to know you’ve been on my mind. I know your heart is still carrying so much. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to keep checking in. I’m here whenever you need.
Example 3: When you are unsure what to say
Hi, Priyanka. I don't have the right words, but I am so sad that Manish died. I can imagine this pain runs deep. You are not alone in this. I am holding you in my heart today.
Example 4: Lead-up to an anniversary
Hey, Leah. I know the anniversary of Violet's death is coming up, and I just wanted to say I am thinking of you. I imagine there are a lot of emotions building as the day gets closer. If you feel like sharing a memory, I would love to hear one.
In the End
You will not erase someone’s grief with a single message. But you can help them feel seen. You can offer a moment of connection on a day that feels impossible. And that matters.
The next time you are not sure what to say, remember:
C.A.R.E.
Connect. Acknowledge. Remind. Extend.
That is enough. And so are you.
Want Ongoing Support?
If you would like help knowing what to say and when to say it, Help Texts offers gentle, expert-written guidance by text message for supporters like you. You can receive two texts a week with tips, reminders, and ideas to help you support someone who is grieving. We also offer text-based support for the grieving person themselves—it's the perfect sympathy gift.
To learn more or sign up, visit helptexts.com.